February 20th, 2005

Tip of the Hat

(no subject)

Three things are going though my head right now. All of them are things I have thought and written about here at one time or another. Expectation vs. Experience, Cleaning house vs. living in CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome -- copyright Flylady), and being alone vs. solitude.

One of my more benign self-talk phrases -- I have several some are downright depressing. Ah, they fit in with my depressed mood when I say them though -- anyway, one of my more benign phrases is "I don't know." (or being geeky sometimes I phrase it either <jISovbe'> or <Soifir var.> -- "I don't know" in Klingon and SHuch, my own private language. And, yes, I *have* had way too much time alone. Why do you ask?). Anyway, follow me around on any given day and you can here me mumble that (and several things much more damning) quite a lot.

Actually, the phrase is only benign in comparison to the other phrases that I would rather not repeat here. I suppose it is in it's own little way damning and corruptive for me too. Expectation; "I don't know." vs. Experience; "I'm going to have to deal with this unknown anyway."

As a society we project to much of our expectation into our lives. Years back I made a concerted effort to cut down on my expectation and just rely on my experiences to deal with life. Somewhere along the line I stopped doing that and the pendulum swung way into expecting horrors that occasionally became self-fulfilling.

Then there is my living in CHAOS. Hmm, again it's an expectation vs. reality thing. Afraid of what people will think of my mess? My parents home is almost as bad as mine and they've started letting people in. Mom gave up expecting what others thought. Then again she's no longer physically able to clean. I'm just brain damaged somehow (hey! that's a new negative thought maybe I WON'T add it to my list that I constantly say).

Isoltaion/Solitutide ties right in with that last part. I could add some other negative self images that contribute to my wanting (expecting) to isolate myself from and yet needing contact with others. I won't though.

I've hashed all this out countless times before. Nothing I really need to say/write to myself about it other then dusting off old concepts, remembering them, and making an effort to use them.