May 14th, 2005

Tip of the Hat

(no subject)

I just watched the tape I made of the final episodes of Enterprise (I was plunging an extremely stubborn clogged sink at my parent's house while my VCR was recording it). Like most things it ended with a fizzle rather than meeting the expectations one has.

I suppose that's one of the root causes of some issues I am facing. Hmm, I already wrote about expectations vs. reality somewhere along the line, didn't I? Ok, so let's not go there again.

This past Tuesday I told myself I would try to find the ... the ... I don't know what, and get myself organized. While I may try to use excuses to hid my failures and shortcomings from the world, and more importantly, myself; I know that the solution to the vast majority of our problems lie within our own psyches.

I used to be good at getting into other people's heads. Lately, the only one I'm any good at understanding is a man with dementia who daily looks for some trivial thing that he may or may not have actually had and says it was the most important thing in the world to him. Some time ago I realized his "I lost it game" as I've come to call those regular episodes is a subconscious attempt to search for his lost mental faculties. This man may not have had the same kind of education I had, however, in his prime he was every bit as good at understanding the mind as I was, but as usual, I'm getting off the track I intended for this essay.

Hmm, I could almost write about how my life has been one big digression. That's not the metaphoric journey I want to take today though.

Shattered confidence and trust are the two topics that have been going through my head. Those are prob. my two biggest problems right now. I don't have confidence in myself. It always was more fragile than I ever admitted to anyone. Now, well, I'm not sure I believe in myself at all anymore.

About the main thing that gives me comfort is a theory that I hope is true. In subatomic physics uncertainty is the norm. God "playing dice" with the universe type stuff. Well, one idea that science has is that for every possible outcome of those universe dice rolls there exists a separate universe (pocket dimensions I believe is the correct technical lingo). For every choice, every possible outcome, a new universe is created. So there are ones where my life is better than my current one (and some where it's worse, some I died, never existed ... etc.) I sometimes chuckle and wonder how many "me's" are contemplating all the other me's in that type of multiverse. The version of the theory I'm most familiar with has it that no exchange of matter/energy is possible, and it's highly unlikely anyone will be able to develop any kind of testable hypothesis to prove or disprove pocket dimensions because of that lack of interaction between them (maybe the gravitational force might be able to cross but in such a weakened state that it's not possible to test for it with our current technology, if I both understood and am properly remembering how the theory goes).

Anyway, I'm digressing again. Let's see, oh yeah, confidence and lack of trust. I suppose I could add fear to the mix, but I think that falls into a subcategory of lack of self-confidence.

Basically, I've got issues. Who hasn't? I don't think I can straighten myself out alone, and am not sure I can place enough trust in anyone else to get the help I need -- There's another fear for you. What will happen if I don't "straighten out?" Whatever that means -- Words can be so ambiguous sometime. The trick is to apply both precision and imprecision correctly. Be precise when you want understanding of your message, and be less precise when you want others to supply the meaning without their realizing they're the one supplying it.

Hmm, that last digression may have actually brought me back on track. In these pondering entries, I digress and let my thoughts flow to be precisely imprecise so I can trick myself into supplying answers I didn't know I knew. As I said above "...the solution to the vast majority of our problems lie within our own psyches." Hmm, if that's not a direct quote of Milton Erikson, it certainly is a page out of one of his books. A more precise paraphrase of him would be "I don't solve my patents' problems, I simply trick them into telling me the solution they already knew themselves."