||[Sep. 15th, 2005|06:50 am]
It's 6 in the morning. I've been up for about an hour now. I have a headache and really should get back to bed. My mind is racing though, and four hours or less of sleep at a stretch is become more the norm than I want to admit. One thing about lack of sleep is it does keep a person's emotions stirred up to the point that the person never knows what's going to affect them or how, and it provides a lesson in not letting things that affect them effect them -- not that I'm always good at that lesson.|
Anyway, first paragraph in and I've already strayed from the topic I sat down to write about. Hopefully, writing about it will slow my thought process enough to get me some more sleep after I finish here.
I've been thinking over and combining some interactions I've had during the last week or so both in RL and on a few different internet modes of communication too, and some things have been crystallizing.
First, upon reflection of how I got where I am -- and no what I'm about to say is neither an excuse nor ... what? Placing blame? ... Take it however you will. For me this looking back is just studying the cause of the problem in an attempt to fix it.
So anyway, I learned the hard way that when things were at their worst, I had no one. Right or wrong my thinking lead me to the conclusions that if no one's willing to stand by my side and help me there isn't a reason for me to bother either. So I gave up the fight.
In my poker journal, I recently wrote a short thing on how aggression and bold action is rewarded in that game, and how being passive leads to a downward spiral. That can be true of life in general too. So maybe it's time for me to be aggressive and bold again.
There are signs that I may not be fighting alone any more. After all these years, it'll take a lot to truly convince me otherwise though. In a forum dedicated to puzzle pirates over a divisive issue, I wrote about taking care of present needs and having the confidence of being able to deal with future ones as they appear; That our pirate flag shouldn't act out of fear of a potential future. As I was writing that, I knew I was writing it as much for myself as for trying to bring the rift I saw forming back together. I wrote it more for myself than that bunch if truth be told.
So that brings me to the next part of the little mental cut and paste I've been doing with varied events. Last night I had a conversation with someone saying I wanted to become more aggressive. I pointed out how I feel I have the image of a wimp to myself and others. I cannot accept that image. However, it goes with giving up the fight I mentioned earlier. When you are too tired to fight, you just let everyone ride you where they want, and you never end up where you want to be -- you become a wimp basically.
After years of that image being reinforced in my mind and others, it will be difficult to change it. After my conversation last night, a phrase popped into my head. Reinvention of self.
That's what this whole things boils down into. All this writing for a three word punch line. Reinvention of self. Well, I'm not quite done yet now that I finally got to the actual topic of conversation.
Reinvention of self isn't an easy thing to do. You are fighting not only your own self image, but the image others have of you as well. So you've got to change your habits while going against everyone who "knows" you and is either consciously or subconsciously sending you messages that what you are doing doesn't fit their image of you and that you should go back to your old ways and the person they know.
Ah, I suppose I've talked about this before in this journal. So far the old me, which I hate, remains in place. Even if I don't have much of a support group, the old me has a better one than the me I want to become has. That needs to change.
Well, I think I've actually succeeded in slowing down my thoughts, and am ready to try for a short nap before actually starting my day.
Just to bring this full circle, I'll close with echoes of the opening of this writing: It's now almost 7 in the morning. I've been up for almost two hours. I have a headache and am going back to bed.